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Changing the Culture: How Do We Prevent Dating Violence and Sexual Assault?

HLogo 302x270ow do we prevent dating violence and sexual assault?

While there is no easy, one-size-fits-all answer to this question, Tri-Valley Haven offers a dedicated Prevention Education Program for teens. We hope that by educating local youth about dating violence prevention, we can prevent domestic violence in future generations.

As the lead Preventionist, I visit local schools with a dedicated team of volunteers to educate teens about healthy relationships, dating abuse and bullying prevention, and bystander intervention  year-round. We offer classroom presentations, lunchtime school events,  parent workshops and staff training through the program.

In our classroom presentations, we help students focus on healthy relationships, personal boundaries, assertive communication and safe and effective bystander intervention strategies. We approach all of these topics in age-appropriate way and tailor each presentation to fit the school because know each school community is unique.

How can you support our prevention efforts?

  • Request a presentation. If you work with a group of teens, consider scheduling a presentation for your club, after-school program, religious youth group or community group! Contact our Preventionists at (925) 667-2727 or visit www.trivalleyhaven.org
  • Donate to our Prevention Education Program. We currently provide presentations to local Tri-Valley area high schools and Livermore middle schools. Next year we hope to expand our program to include all Tri-Valley area middle schools. You can make this possible by donating to our prevention efforts.
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Tri-Valley Haven’s heart pledges at Dublin High School last year.


3a92488In addition to providing advocacy for survivors of sexual assault, Jessie is the lead Preventionist for our Prevention Education Program at Tri-Valley Haven. Learn more about our teen presentations our Teen page on our website.

Teen Dating Violence Awareness at Dublin High School

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, so Tri-Valley Haven headed out to Dublin High School to spread awareness last week. Together the Haven joined Mrs. Slavec and the Be Strong Girls Group to educate teens about dating violence. Students pledged to engage in healthy relationships and received information about dating abuse and the Be Strong Girls Group.

Be Strong is an empowerment group for girls in high school. Tri-Valley Haven facilitates monthly group meetings and provide a open, safe space for the girls to discuss different topics related to gender, self-esteem and leadership. For our Teen Dating Violence Awareness event, each girl was responsible for organizing a part of the event. They also played a vital role in spreading the word about the event ahead of time and encouraging their classmates to participate.

When we hear discussions about dating violence, they often focus on adults who have been in abusive relationship. However 1 in 3 teens in the U.S. has experienced physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse by a dating partner.

Dublin HS BeStrong Teen Dating Awareness Month Event 111This is why Tri-Valley Haven is dedicated to educating teens about healthy relationships and the warning signs of abuse. We provide a safe space for teens to discuss what they see happening at their school and how they can keep themselves safe – emotionally and physically.

Thanks to Mrs. Slavec and our Be Strong Girls Group, our Tri-Valley Haven Teen Dating Violence Awareness Event was a success! It was inspiring to witness the Be Strong girls educating their classmates about this issue. After the event, we displayed the pledges on the doors and windows of the school library as part of Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.

Talking to Teens about Dating Violence and Bullying in Pleasanton High Schools

“10/10! Would do it again!”

“It was very helpful, especially since this is becoming more common.”

“We haven’t learned much about this yet, so it was great to learn about it!”

“I liked how the presenters were open and not scared to talk about anything.”

“I really thought this inspired me to take action because I noticed some random person online for being called a “b—–” for so-called bullying that they didn’t even do. I feel like standing up that person [who is being cyberbullied] now, as it wasn’t their fault.”

“I felt that Tri-Valley Haven is there for me.”

These are some of the comments we received from ninth-graders after our Healthy Relationships and Bullying Prevention presentations at Foothill High School and Amador High School in Pleasanton this semester.

During the school year, I visit local middle schools and high schools to talk to teens about healthy relationships, teen dating violence and bullying in an age-appropriate way. At the end of each presentation, I hand out surveys to see how effective our presentations are and get anonymous feedback from the students.

Recently we lost all federal and state funding for our youth education programs due to a cut in California funding. As a result, we’ve had to trim many of our presentations down from 2-day classes to 1-day condensed classes in Livermore and Dublin schools. Fortunately, the Pleasanton Youth Commission has continued to fund our Prevention Education program. Thanks to their generosity, we are able to continue providing 2-day presentations to health classes at Pleasanton schools.

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During our full 2-day presentations, we have the opportunity to do more activities with the students to talk about these topics. One of our most popular activities is called “What Would You Do?” During this activity, we read out different scenarios about dating violence or bullying. Then we ask students move to different corners of the room depending on whether they would do nothing (no intervention), step in on their own (primary intervention) or get help (secondary intervention). After each scenario, students get a chance to share what they might do.

Wow, does this activity get teens talking!

Whether we’re talking about dating violence or bullying, each student brings their own unique perspective into the conversation. Sometimes students disagree with their classmates’ suggestions for intervention; other times the entire class ends up standing in the same corner of the room. Many of the classes I visited at Foothill High and Amador High had a lot to say during this activity.

In one class, I asked students what they might do if they witnessed a guy violently shove a girl to the ground on their way to class. Many of the guys in the class said they would step in and confront the guy. In contrast, several of the girls said they would feel more comfortable getting help from a trusted adult or friend. A few of these girls mentioned that they would be afraid of getting hurt if they tried to confront a male student.

Then I told students to imagine the same scenario with one detail changed: “What would you do if you saw a girl shove a guy to the ground?”

Almost every girl said they would feel comfortable talking to the abusive student (in this scenario, another girl) by themselves. However nearly all of the guys said they would be hesitant to intervene. When I asked why, many of them said they wouldn’t know what to say or do in this situation. One student even admitted, “I’ve never heard of this happening to guys.”

This sparked a discussion between the students about assumptions or expectations we might have about who can or cannot be a victim of violence. Many of the students have been encouraged to take a stand against bullying in the past. But often our presentations are the first time students have had the chance to discuss what intervening might actually entail. As presenters, we encourage students to think of intervening indirectly, such as asking for help from a teacher or friend, as well as being assertive.

One of the handouts students fill out before we start our presentations. (via Instagram)

During the conversation, one of the guys mentioned that he would be worried about embarrassing the victim (another guy) if he told the abusive student to stop. So we discussed other ways he might intervene, such as getting help from a teacher so he didn’t have to directly intervene or checking in with the male student in private after the incident.

One of the girls who felt comfortable intervening even suggested, “You could ask one of us for help.”

Isn’t it amazing how one scenario can prompt so many different opinions? Many of the other classes had similar discussions about this particular scenario. As I tell the students, there is no “right” answer when we do this activity. There are many ways students can safely intervene when they see dating violence or bullying happen at their school.

It’s just a matter of getting students to consider their options.


3a92488 In addition to providing advocacy for survivors of sexual assault, Jessie is the newest presenter for our Prevention Education Program at Tri-Valley Haven. Learn more about our teen presentations our Teen page on our website.

Tri-Valley Haven’s Highlights of 2014

Without your generosity, we could not continue to provide vital shelter and support services to women, children and families in need throughout the Tri-Valley area. Every successful program and event at Tri-Valley Haven is made possible thanks to our local community. We are so very grateful for your support.

Before we jump into the New Year, let’s look at some highlights of 2014!

  • 2,600+ calls received on Tri-Valley Haven’s crisis line! That’s almost 10 calls every day, from women, children and families in need.
  • 267 clients served at our Domestic Violence Shelter! With 30 beds, Tri-Valley Haven’s Shiloh Domestic Violence Shelter houses and supports women and their children who are survivors of domestic violence.
  • 245 clients served through our Rape Crisis Center! Survivors of sexual assault receive advocacy and crisis counseling from state-certified advocates through our Rape Crisis Center.
  • 96 clients served at our Homeless Shelter! Sojourner House is the only homeless shelter in the Tri-Valley Area that accepts two-parent families, single fathers with children, and families with teenage boys.
  • 249 clients received counseling at Tri-Valley Haven! Tri-Valley Haven offers counseling and support group services to empower and support survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault.
  • Almost 30,000 visits to our Food Pantry! Each month, the Tri-Valley Haven Food Pantry distributes free groceries to more than 4,000 low-income Tri-Valley residents.
  • 70+ volunteers trained during this year! No only did we train over 30 new volunteers as crisis line and sexual assault advocates, we also trained volunteers for our food pantry, thrift store and childcare services.
  • 40+ incarcerated survivors served by our Rape Crisis Center! Now incarcerated survivors at Santa Rita Jail and FCI-Dublin are able to contact our 24-hour toll-free crisis line and request advocacy services through our agency.
  • 150+ walkers/runners participated in our annual Pace for Pace event! In the past, Pace for Peace has been a smaller event (averaging about 30 participants a year), so we were floored when over 150 participants signed up to show their support for Tri-Valley Haven.
  • $2,000 raised for Tri-Valley Haven during #GivingTuesday! On December 2nd, our Tri-Valley community joined the new tradition of generosity after Thanksgiving and Black Friday. This was TVH’s first year participating and we received $2,000 in donations!
  • 4,036 individual family members signed up for our annual Holiday Program! With your support, we were able to provide food and gifts to over 900 local families in need this holiday season. Our Tri-Valley community went above and beyond this holiday season.
  • 1 incredibly moving experience at a middle school!  After one of our presentations on healthy relationships and bullying prevention at a local middle school in Livermore, a 12-year-old told our staff that no one had ever talked to them about ways to stay safe and prevent bullying. To thank TVH, the student gave the Preventionist .30¢ as a “a tip.”

With your help, we’ll raise funds to bring hope, healing and safety for women, children and families recovering from domestic violence, sexual assault and homelessness in 2015.

Make your 2014 tax-deductible donation by midnight to help Tri-Valley Haven to meet our fundraising goals this year, to enable our services to continue forward next year.

Together we can build a world without violence!

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Boosting the Signal: WARP’D (Women Actively Rejecting Personal Distortion) — aka, amazing and inspiring teens!

“Imagine how life would be if… instead of making resolutions about body image at the end of the year— every woman made a resolution to treat herself and others with utmost respect and dignity. That is what I call a resolution!” -Tori Knuppe

Foothill High School junior Victoria Knuppe wants to change how women and girls see themselves— one woman at a time. An ambitious undertaking, indeed, given the messages seen in society, the current culture and an ubiquitous media but 16-year-old Knuppe is more than ready for the challenge. She is on a mission.

Knuppe believes women are “plagued with feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness” and says she also struggles with “self-image issues.”

“It genuinely breaks my heart to see the physical effects of this problem across the nation and the world,” Knuppe said. “And, what’s more, it breaks my heart to see nothing being done about it.”

[Reblog of article on Tori here at this link]

[Direct link to her website WARPD.org is here]

How Not to Write an Article About Sexual Assault (Inspiration Courtesy of Rolling Stone, Who Shows Us How It’s Done)

stop-victim-blaming1Last year, a girl named Audrie Pott, a fifteen year old Saratoga High School student, took her own life in the wake of a sexual assault by three boys that involved not only the assault itself at a party, but also photographs taken of her body, unconscious, after the boys had written degrading messages all over it.  This was a local tragedy that assumed national proportions, particularly coming as it did after several other similar cases had already hit the news.  The first was the Steubenville, Ohio rape of a  high school girl, incapacitated by alcohol, who was publicly and repeatedly sexually assaulted by her peers, several of whom documented the acts in social media. The victim was transported, undressed, photographed, and sexually assaulted. She was also penetrated vaginally by other students’ fingers, an act defined as rape under Ohio law.  The second was the suicide of Rehtaeh Parsons in Hallifax, Canada–the victim of an alleged gang rape and online bullying campaign that lasted months.

When I fell across a five-page article “Sexting, Shame and Suicide” in the September 26th 2013 issue of Rolling Stone about Audrie Pott, I was at first really excited to read it—I felt certain that an acclaimed magazine like Rolling Stone would present a thoughtful article talking about what had been done to Audrie, about sexism, rape culture… any number of related topics.  I thought, “What a horrible tragedy—but at least maybe some small good can come of the fact that it will help to ignite a national conversation about changing culture away from one that enables assaults like this to happen.”

Boy, was I wrong.

I knew I had to write a blog post about the article.  I’ve sat and stewed about it.  I wanted to make the perfect post.  I couldn’t.  So, finally, I am just writing my reactions and if I come off as angry and appalled, that’s because I am.  In fact, I am appalled enough that here and there I may use “language.”  You are forewarned.  Also, there is “language” used in the Rolling Stone article I am quoting as well.  Doubly-forewarned.

Also, one of the challenges inherent in this blog post is that to really UNDERSTAND what I am posting about, you have to read the Rolling Stone article. And it is on the long side.  But I know you can do it!  Here is another link to it:

http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/sexting-shame-and-suicide-20130917

Okay. Now, I am proceeding forward on the assumption you’ve read the article.  (You did, right?  Good…)  Because what I am going to do now is just call out sections of the article that set me back on my heels, made my eyes widen, and my blood pressure go up…and try to talk about WHY they caused those reactions.  Ready?  Here we go!

We will kick off with their introduction of Audrie, who they describe as:

A curvaceous sophomore at Saratoga High School, dressed in the cool-girl’s uniform of a low-cut top and supershort skirt, she looked the same as always, but inside she was quivering with humiliation.

If this were a male victim, would we phrase it, “A well-hung sophomore at Saratoga High School, dressed in the stud-guy’s uniform of rear-hugging jeans that showed his package, he looked the same as always, but inside he was quivering with humiliation”? Also, while we’re at it, “quivering with humiliation” is such a dime-store romance sort of phrase. “On the outside, she was cool and remote, but on the inside, she was quivering…”  Really?

Things keep going downhill from here.  Yes, this article seems to be trying to talk about a party sub-culture in schools and how it can be destructive, but what it really ends up doing is sexualizing a teen-aged girl in such a way that the conclusion seems to be, “Yes, she was sexually attacked, ridiculed and tormented, but considering how she acted and dressed, really what can you expect?”

 So, after starting with describing her sexual assets and dress, the article moves on to portraying her as a budding lush:

The summer before her death, Audrie had started to change, moving away from the kids she’d hung out with since middle school. She had started to drink a little and had dated a slightly older guy. When she drank, the self-consciousness that had afflicted her since junior high melted away. She loosened up. Sometimes, she loosened up a lot.

And we all know what happens to loose women.  Right?  So she drank and may have been with an older guy.  Which apparently makes it okay for her to be sexually assaulted by three unrelated young men and have derogatory things written on her body and photos of it passed around to public ridicule.

 Now the article decides to describe some of Audrie’s friends, and it can’t resist commenting on their physical virtues as well:

 Sara – 15, pretty, slim and blond – and Audrie had become close that summer and were exploring a new realm of boys, bottles and small parties, preferably at parent-free houses, that the Saratoga kids call “kickbacks.”

And we need to know that Sara is slim, pretty and blond…why? Interesting to note that nowhere in this article are there physical descriptions (or descriptions of any kind) concerning the boys.  Granted, they are minors and get some legal protection because of that, but it does still bring up the point of, “Why go describing all the girls in the first place?”

 Now we move on to the party at which Audrie was assaulted by the three young men.

 Eventually, 11 kids showed up, many of them to sip vodka and Gatorade cocktails. They all belonged to their class’s popular clique, the girls dressed as provocatively as possible, even by the loose standards of California high schools.

Here we are with the description of “loose” again.  What is interesting is how sexualized the prose is.  Loose can be “informal” but “loose” is also a term meaning a woman who sleeps around.  And again, we all know what happens to loose women.

The mixer of choice was Gatorade, or downed straight. Audrie drank hardest of all.

Which clearly means that whatever happened next, she brought it on herself because she chose to drink. Because if you drink and are female, you have no right to determine what happens to your body, and no right to be treated to basic respect.  Right?

Audrie was already stumbling and incoherent, taking shots and making out with different boys on the living-room couch.

Adding to the whole “slut-shaming” tone of this article.  This article reads like a cautionary tale  “See girls, if you dress like a slut and drink a lot, the inevitable conclusion will be that several teenaged boys will sexually assault you, draw degradingly on your body, the school as a whole will shame you, and you will have no choice but to end your pathetic, over-sexualized little life and later, a magazine will write about you and highlight everything about you it thinks is inappropriate.  Because really, you brought it on yourself.”

 Now the article talks about the actual assault:

Police interviews with the partyers pieced together what allegedly happened next. One of the boys Audrie made out with was so drunk he started crying and screaming. He threw up in the kitchen sink – into which someone had already tossed Audrie’s iPhone. Audrie was too blitzed to notice.

As far as I can tell, this detail about the iPhone only made it into the article for the “yuck” factor and to point out again that Audrie was really drunk.  (Although, she’s not the one who yakked on her phone so… the relevance sort of escapes me.  Moving on…)

Then three boys she’d known since middle school – Bill, Joe and Ron – and one of their friends, Mary, helped her upstairs into a bedroom (the names of these four have been changed because of the boys’ status in a juvenile case). Mary appears to have left the room when the boys started pulling off Audrie’s clothes and drawing on her with Sharpies. In interviews with police later, they admitted, to varying degrees, coloring half of her face black, then pulling down her bra, taking off her shorts and drawing scribbles, lines and circles on her breasts and nipples. Bill wrote “anal” above her ass with an arrow pointing down.

You know what is really interesting here is that this is the first time that “Bill”, “Joe” and “Ron” have shown up in the story and we’re about a third in.  Up until now, we’ve heard a lot about the way that Audrie dressed, the way she drank, the way she was making out with others.  We’ve not heard a thing about what they were wearing, drinking, or how they were acting.  By making this article all about Audrie and her possible foibles, it puts the burden of what happened that night squarely on her, when they are the ones who committed the assaulting and battery, (child) pornography and other crimes.

At some point, Mary returned to find Audrie in her underwear and put a blanket over her, then left the room again. With Audrie still sprawled out on the bed and unresponsive, the boys allegedly fingered her and took pictures on their phones.

So now we have the actual sexual assault. Classy, right?  Never in this article is the question addressed directly of what the boys thought they were doing, whether they thought it was right or wrong, or how we socialize boys that leads to situations like this seeming “okay” in their point of view.  No, we keep hammering on Audrie and clothing choices, appearance, and party-going ways instead. 

 Now we’re at the next day:

Back in her room, Audrie wasn’t so nonchalant. She was engaged in a frantic attempt to discover what had happened to her body.

By putting this in the passive form, it seems like something that magically “happened” to her body.  It would read differently and more accurately if it said, “She was engaged in a frantic attempt to discover who had assaulted and defaced her body.”

Audrie wrote that the “whole school knows. . . . Do you know how people view me now? I fucked up and I can’t do anything to fix it. . . . One of my best friends hates me. And I now have a reputation I can never get rid of.”

Writing to another boy on Facebook, she said, “My life is over. . . . I ruined my life and I don’t even remember how.”

The tragedy here is that her big “fuck-up” here was underage drinking—which everybody at the party was doing, apparently, and allegedly making out with various people, which one can also presume others at the party did.  She said her life was over—horribly prophetic—and that she ruined her life.  Guess what?

 SHE WASN’T THE ONE WHO RUINED HER LIFE.

Three boys ruined her life by thinking that it would be funny to sexually assault her when she was unable to defend herself, to scrawl graffiti on her like she was a bathroom wall, and to take photographs and share them around.  It is doubly shameful that a prestigious magazine like Rolling Stone then decided to–by implication–lay the blame on her after her death by centering an entire extensive article about her life and death on how her behavior and appearance apparently invited this behavior in others.  Wrong.  Wrong.  WRONG.

 Okay, take a deep breath.

 By about page three, things get momentarily a little less heinous in the reporting department.  The article takes some time to talk about some other high profile recent cases of teen gang rapes/sexual abuse and suicides, the discusses sexual assault statistics.  Then the article reports:

Rape stats may be no higher than in years past, but the numbers are as shocking as ever. Every two minutes, a sexual assault happens in the U.S., and nearly 50 percent of the victims are under the age of 18, according to Katherine Hull, a spokeswoman for the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network: “The demographic of high school- and college-age women is at highest risk for sexual assault.” More than half of the incidents go unreported, advocates say […]

Yeah.  And maybe one of the reasons more than half the incidents go unreported is that when the incident IS reported, the victim can look forward to reactions similar to the writing in this article—“Oh, look how much she was drinking.  Oh, look how tight her clothing is and how short her skirt was.  Oh, look at her dreadful judgment and all the things she did wrong…”

The dreadful judgment that really matters—the decisions by her attackers to molest, rape or assault her—take second fiddle to the self-righteous tongue clucking of people who shake their heads over young girls these days and their behavior.

 Now, do I think that we need to have a talk about under-age drinking?  Sure.  A talk about clothing standards… er, possibly.  But should those discussions essentially TAKE THE PLACE OF talking about how a human being (in this case three of them) decided to sexually assault, scribble on the body of, take photographs of and share around said photographs of another human being whose only crime was to be participating in a party?  I don’t think so.

 Then the article takes on way that the photos of Audrie’s assault were shared around.  It says:

“It’s a perfect storm of technology and hormones,” says lawyer Lori Andrews, director of the Institute for Science, Law and Technology in Chicago. “Teen sexting is all a way of magnifying girls’ fantasies of being a star of their own movies, and boys locked in a room bragging about sexual conquest.”

Um… okay, whatever, Lori.  Maybe.  But in this case, AUDRIE’S PHOTOS WERE SENT WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE OR APPROVAL.  A “fantasy of being a star in her own movies” doesn’t even come into play here, so why the heck was this quotation even included?  It implies again that somehow Audrie was this sexed-up little budding-alcoholic tart who secretly would have loved to have nude photos of her passed around, when in fact, having photos of her passed around (after a sexual assault) contributed to her SUICIDE.

 So, now Rolling Stone earnestly attempts to discuss What To Do About All This:

Prosecutors all over the nation are facing the same social and legal quandary: How do you protect young women from not just sexual assault but the magnification of those assaults via the Internet? How much punishment can they mete out to boys, who in many cases are only a year or two removed from childhood, who seem to think they are committing pranks with phones and passed-out girls, and for whom the ultimate charge – rape – means the end of their lives before they start? Finally, how do you instill in impulse-driven teens of both sexes the knowledge that whatever they record on their phones and send can reach the entire world and stay public forever?

Okay, some real concerns are raised—valid ones.  No problem with that.  Except… waaaait…

 How do you protect young women from not just sexual assault but the magnification of those assaults via the Internet?

Here’s a nice place to start—just a thought.  Maybe we could protect young women from a culture that automatically links any sexual assault they suffer to what THEY drank, what THEY wore, what THEIR reputation was, rather than linking the assault to what their ATTACKER did?  And maybe we could protect them from big-name magazines who victim-blame them in their articles, thus “magnifying those assaults via the Internet”?

 How much punishment can they mete out to boys, who in many cases are only a year or two removed from childhood, who seem to think they are committing pranks with phones and passed-out girls, and for whom the ultimate charge – rape – means the end of their lives before they start?

Huh… interestingly enough, I’d say that maybe if the media and the culture PUT THE BLAME WHERE IT BELONGS… on the decisions of the attackers… that would (again) be a good start.  Is there more to this situation than just that?  Sure.  Am I saying that is the only element of a solution?  Of course not.  But the fact that an article out of a major magazine, theoretically trying to get to the bottom of a crime story, makes the whole emphasis about the foibles of the victim rather than about the crimes of the attackers sorta makes my point for me.

Okay, I’m basically disgusted enough by this article now to be nearing the end of my unusually long blog post.  I’d like to leave you with the thought that we are now only on page 3 of this 5 page article and right after talking about statistics and fretting about Why All This Is Happening, Rolling Stone leaps right back into the article with a discussion of Audrie Pott’s breast size.

No.  Really.

By the time she was 13, she’d sprouted 34DD breasts.

Yeah.  Because we really needed to know the exact size of a minor’s breasts after she is dead.

Then it finally talks a bit about the 3 boys who allegedly committed the assault and other crimes.  We’ve had three pages now, primarily discussing Audrie’s looks and behavior.  What do we get on the boys?

 According to Audrie’s friends, one of the three boys eventually arrested for the assault, Joe, was a leader of the teasing pack in middle school and especially sadistic. “He would pick one person to make fun of for a few weeks, then move on to another,” Amanda says. Bill had a reputation as a troublemaker, while Ron was more of a “sweet” guy.

Yeah.  That’s it.  That’s basically as deep as it goes.  Because who cares about the behaviors or motivations or socializations or past history of the alleged perpetrators… because they’re just the people who committed the crime, right?  (Yes, yes, I know… they are juveniles, blah blah.  But seriously, this is all that is said?  This is the extent of the journalistic digging?)

 Attorneys representing the boys have claimed that their clients had nothing to do with Audrie’s suicide and work to portray Audrie as a desperate, troubled young woman.

Ya mean, kind of the way this article does? And, after all… think of the futures of these poor boys.

 It’s a sentiment shared by many parents around town. “These boys are not bad boys!” says the mother of a friend of one of the boys at the party. “They are goofy and silly. If there is a sleepover, one of the boys might put whipped cream on someone’s hand. They are not malicious, mean criminals. This is costing their families thousands and thousands of dollars, and we are not all rich.”

Maybe as a society we should be raising boys whose idea of silly IS whipped cream on someone’s hand and not sexually fingering and assaulting an unconscious girl, writing and scribbling all over her body, and then sharing those images amongst friends.  Because, you know, there IS a difference.  A basic level of human empathy, for one thing.  And that’s something we as a society are not doing a great job of teaching.

In conclusion, some final quotes:

In response to Audrie’s death and the arrests, Saratoga’s teachers opened discussions with students about the case that had fractured the affluent suburban veneer of the high school. “In every single class, somebody raised their hand and said, ‘Well, wasn’t she drunk?'” says Hayes. “And ‘I thought she was drunk.’ And ‘She made out with two boys.’ ‘She was drunk and I’m sure she liked it.'”

It is tragic that the teens in the classes had, as their first thoughts, the ways in which they believed the blame rested with Audrie.  We can shake our heads over that all we like.  But Rolling Stone, by implication, has basically said all the same things by concentrating on what she did, what she wore, what her breast size was, and who she may or may not have made out with.  Congratulations, Rolling Stone.  You have showed all the maturity and empathy of those kids.  Except they’re KIDS.  They learn how to be adults by what we, as a society, teach them by example.

 YOU, Rolling Stone, are a powerful media voice in society.  And you should damn well know better.

I’m glad that non-profits like the Tri-Valley Haven and other domestic violence and rape crisis centers around the State and nation work all the time to do healthy dating relationship and anti-date rape classes in local junior high and high schools.  I am proud that we do bystander intervention trainings and the hard, day-to-day work of trying to change society to make acts like this unacceptable.  Because, quite clearly, things right now are broken.  Become involved.  Be an active bystander.  Let your voice be heard.  Support the people doing the work and let’s make this world a better place for our kids.

Before we lose another.

Teens Becoming Active Bystanders and Pledging to Support Healthy Relationships!

Teens from Dublin High School pledge to help end dating violence in their school.

Teens from Dublin High School pledge to help end dating violence in their school.

Look at all that purple!

In the, “There is Hope For The World” department of blog reporting:

Today at Dublin High School, teenagers from Tri-Valley Haven’s Be Strong Group held a Violence Prevention Event in the school’s courtyard. Male and female teens signed hearts pledging to do their part to end teen dating violence. Students also took Healthy Relationship Quizzes, and discussed ways to remain safe in dating relationships.

“Be Strong is a teen violence prevention program aimed at helping female youth define respect, healthy relationships, and support one another as they put these concepts into place,” says Linda Law, Tri-Valley Haven’s Prevention Instructor. “The Be Strong teen leaders ran today’s event and encouraged fellow students to join in!”

Sometimes hearing about healthy relationships from adults when you’re a teen isn’t exactly the most helpful or effective way to get the message.  But when you hear about it from your own friends and classmates and peers, that’s when the magic happens.

A little magic happened today.

The “Fantasy Slut League” …

Before I begin holding forth about how I feel about the discovery of a long-running “Fantasy Slut League” in a Bay Area (Piemonte) high school, I’d like first to throw this article out there to my (few, but hopefully growing!) list of readers!

It says that the league was created by varsity student athletes. Female students are “drafted” and male students earn points for “documented engagement in sexual activities” with female students.  What I find especially interesting–beyond the jaw-dropping activity itself–is the reactions of parents, students and others in the comments section of the Piemonte Patch.

Here is a link to the original article on the Piemonte Patch complete with extensive comments.

The comments range from outraged on behalf of the girls who are tallied up in the “Slut League”, often without their knowledge, to outrage on behalf of the boys who are just “bonding” with other varsity team members or playing a game.  Some students claim the activity is horrible.  Others claim that worse things happen all the time and this is no big deal.

An investigation by PHS staff revealed:

  • “General recognition that over the past 5-6 years such a league has existed in one form or another as part of “bonding” for some Varsity Teams during their seasons of sport.
  • “Many students (male and female) were aware of it and participated. Male and female students felt pressure to participate and/or lacked confidence to overtly stop it.
  • “Participation often involved pressure/manipulation by older students that included alcohol to impair judgment/control and social demands to be popular, feel included and attractive to upper classmen.
  • “A commitment from current Varsity Team members that there is none of the activity going on now (at least from this point forward).
  • “Fear that participation in the league could have in-school discipline consequences and affect future college acceptance.”

I will follow up this blog post next week in more detail, but I want to throw it out there to you all… is this an outrage?  No big deal that is being inflated into an outrage?  Is this sexual assault?  Harassment?  Kids having fun?  Appropriate?  Inappropriate?  How does this make you feel?

More later, folks!

Should I Step Up? Or Should I Step Back?

You are at a party. During the past hour you notice your friend Chris has been talking to one of your friends named Sam. They seem to be having a good time but it is clear that Chris has had too much to drink. A few minutes later you see Sam put an arm around Chris and start to lead Chris upstairs. What do you do?Image of Teens Drinking

Hopefully, this scenario might bring up a lot of questions for you, and maybe a lot of different emotions.  Have you ever been in a situation like this?  Did it make you feel uncomfortable?  Does reading the scenario maybe make you wonder whether something bad is going on here, or something that is “okay”?

I’d like to hear your thoughts on this—would you do something?  Would you not do anything?  Why or why not?  What do you think about Chris being intoxicated?  What do you think about Sam taking Chris upstairs in a state like that?

In this blog post, I really want to hear from readers!  Let’s get a conversation rolling!

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